A True Story of the Struggles of Talking to Your Partner About Your Status

By: Matthew Wiggins

Angela is insightful, Black, and HIV positive.

Most importantly, she is trying to create a quality of life for herself, which most people take for granted. For Angela, that quality of life means long-term dating, marriage and the opportunity to create a family. Statistics show that many others are in the same situation. In fact, in May 2024, the Center for Disease Control noted infections Black and African-Americans outpaced their percentage in the U.S. population. Now, Angela is dating an individual who does not know that she is HIV positive, and she struggles to relay this to him, out of concern for how it would affect their relationship.

Source: Center for Disease Control

To Angela, a healthy relationship is one that allows each partner to communicate their innermost identities and experiences. Knowing this type of relationship depends on absolute truth and acceptance on behalf of each partner, Angela’s fear of being stigmatized for her diagnosis prevents her from practicing it. The stigma surrounding her condition is so alienating that she is reluctant to tell her partner that she is HIV positive, despite the importance of doing so. She’s not alone.

According to Angela, she can accept the personal isolation and internal guilt that comes with not telling her partner about her diagnosis. However, the one thing she would not be able to accept is the shame and rejection that might arise from telling her partner that she is HIV Positive. Plus, Angela often wonders if her relationship would be less stressful, if she, like fifteen percent of Americans currently living with HIV, was not aware of her HIV positive status.

Stemming from her childhood, Angela has constantly been dealing with a fear of rejection. This fear of rejection has created many emotional blockages in her romantic, social and familial interactions. Today, it has stopped her from letting those around her recognize who she is and the baggage that accompanies her identity.

In this situation, the same fear that she has been inadvertently nurturing throughout her life can and will have real consequences for her and her partner’s future. These consequences can include infecting her partner with HIV or even creating a level of mistrust and resentment in her partner. The main questions that Angela consistently askes herself is how will her partner react, what is the best time to say something and will he see the value in her, beyond her diagnosis.

There have been many times when Angela has felt close enough to her partner and on the verge of sharing her diagnosis, but there was always something holding her back. One reason that Angela is the fact that her partner is an open and sociable person. Ultimately, she is not just concerned about what he’ll think, but about being labeled by his friends and family members with whom she also shares close relationships.

Transparency is extremely important in every relationship, whether it be romantic or familial. In Angela’s case, however, society, family members and healthcare providers have already cast so much judgement on her HIV status that it has negatively impacted her confidence as well as the belief she has in her ability to create relationships with anyone in the future. This is a very prominent situation with many HIV positive Black women. It is as if they are suffering from a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that affects every aspect of their lives, originating from how they have been treated during their most vulnerable moments.

If you or someone you know is struggling with stigma surrounding HIV, check the Center for Disease Control’s information and downloadable materials on HIV/AIDS at https://npin.cdc.gov/ or send an email to contact@whocanyoutell.org.